The last time I had lunch with my ex-husband, I walked away feeling sucker punched.
I thought I would write a pre-lunch post this time. The obvious question on the table is: “Why have lunch with your ex?”
I was hurting after the last one. It would be a piece of cake had we parted for the standard “irreconcilable differences”. In his mind, that is exactly why we are divorcing. I recall him standing in the kitchen frying up pork sausages and saying, “We just cannot be married. We really do have irreconcilable differences. We actually cannot reconcile our differences! Huh. I get to take the PS4, right?” And then he looked thoughtful.
I am not wont to vilify anyone. I am far more interested in truth. What is truthful here? We have competing narratives. From what I have learned after living with someone for twenty years is that you do not have to reconcile your differences. Differentiation is key to a successful relationship. You must hold onto yourself and those things that make you who you are. What you must reconcile is the common narrative that describes the relationship. When that narrative becomes wildly different within the coupling and even family, you have fertile soil for conflict, communication problems, and then abuse down the line.
What do I mean?
Here is an example:
I suffered a hip injury a few years ago that resulted in a surgical correction–a full labral repair. My ex caused the injury. Orthopedic injuries take time to diagnose what with diagnostic testing, appointment scheduling, etc. It took four months to properly diagnose and another few weeks for the surgery to be scheduled. Consequently, I limped for four months; it was very painful. By the time of the surgery, I was barely able to walk. The physical rehabilitation required after this surgery was long and arduous–four months of weekly PT visits and at-home exercises. It took essentially three months to learn to walk again.
Now, my ex looked mystified. How did I sustain this injury? I looked mystified that he even asked the question. “You did this to me,” I said bluntly. He vehemently denied it, and he still denies it. His response? “How could you think that I would do something like that to you?” Well, I’m not making false accusations here. I’m not attacking his character. This is merely cause and effect. He is the one jumping from cause and effect to questions of character and culpability. He says, “What kind of man would I be to harm you so severely?” I did not ask that kind of question. I merely laid out the physical evidence. “You injured my hip. Now I need surgery and PT.” That’s it. Frankly, the question of character is implicit in the resultant injury.
This is the competing narrative problem. He finds the logical next steps from cause and effect to morality in the formation of his own narrative so anathema that he rejects what is clearly true, and he then redacts and rewrites the entire narrative account. He, therefore, never did that. I just woke up one morning with a torn labrum. I must have hurt myself somehow. It is now my fault, and I need to take better care of myself. I am now the object of blame, and he is doing me a favor by driving me to PT appointments.
This is one of the most common machinations behind gaslighting and emotional abuse. It originates in the competing narrative.
So what then, you might ask? Why have lunch with a person who does this? Good question. Doesn’t having lunch, a very normal activity, possibly normalize their narrative, too? Ouch! That’s a good point. Am I just a glutton for further punishment and crazymaking? No, I’m not. What am I doing then?
My mother went through two divorces, and I remember them both albeit I was quite young for the first. My mother’s divorce from my father was vitriolic and venomous. Malicious. I was a pawn. Her second divorce was much better. Amicable. One reason that her second divorce was so much, well, friendlier was that there was friendly communication. Both she and my stepfather managed to sit down and discuss how things should go, and they stuck to that. They put their differences aside and proceeded to the finish line with dignity and respect. To this day, my mother still loathes my father, but my mother cried when she heard that my stepfather passed away. She left that marriage free and clear.
Someone has to go first in terms of modeling appropriate behavior in terms of clear communication, respect, and good character, and, as unjust as this might be, it’s never going to be the abusive partner particularly the abusive ex-partner who denies that abuse ever happened. Alas, we have children together, and there are details to discuss.
I don’t like it. I am fully prepared to see him play the victim and act the part of the martyr, but, truthfully, he did that for years. None of this is new behavior. It just looks that much more offensive now that I’m out of the relationship. Also, he’s a charming narcissist at times. The key for me is to remember that I’m never safe. Never get comfortable. Always be prepared to be skewered by an off-hand remark. He is like a scorpion in that way. As soon as he has you feeling comfortable in front of him, his resting pinchers in full view, he’ll sting you on your back; and, you won’t see it coming. Be prepared for that.
This is my reality. This is how I’ve tried to navigate divorcing–managing the competing narratives and sticking to the narrative that I believe to be truthful while preparing to absorb the inequities that will no doubt come my way. How do you ground yourself after a sting to the back? How do you suck out the venom?
A really good therapist and friends. And a solid vision for your future.
In T-2 hours I dine with the scorpion. I’m hoping to dodge and parry with grace and ease this time. He keeps picking surf and turf restaurants.
He doesn’t know I’m a vegetarian. I will never smell another pork sausage in my house again.
Lady J Revisited 